Lower My Bills Ad Watch

9 to 5 to 9

2008-01-28T21:08:00.000-08:00

Career woman by day; Party girl by night. Today's modern woman has a lot of roles to play. For the LMB woman, the transition is not easy. By twilight, she is also Miss Jane Hammer, the hard-boiled private eye with a heart of gold. Clad in a trenchcoat and standard-issue fedora, she stalks unwary mortgage payment defaulters and makes them pay up. She's got brass knuckles and she ain't afraid to use them.

But Who could Miss Hammer be? An alert reader of the blog has pointed out her resemblance to the ex-wife of Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson. This is so much of a specific connection that the writer believes the commenter has way too much time on his/her hands and refuses to google for pictures of the aforementioned ex-wife.

Season's Greetings!

2007-12-25T08:05:00.000-08:00

All right, it's not really LMB, but the spirit of LMB is all over this one, from the ludicrous graduation timeframe to the oh-so-pretty dancing moves.

Domo Arigato, Mr.Asimo

2007-11-25T20:09:00.000-08:00

Robots used to be be pretty bad when it came to dancing. They were so bad, they even had a dance style named after them. However, gone are the days of mechanical arm-jerking and torque-driven hip swiveling.

There's a new robo-sheriff in town and he's got his own law -- the sixth law of robotics: 'A robot shall allow a human being to 'get served' as many times as required, in the event of a dance-off'. LMB introduces a new robot designed to put the funk in 'functional automaton'.

Never mind Nirvana

2007-10-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

Aummm.... Let the healing aura of rate quotes wash over your senses. Feel the credit cycle, as immutable and recurring as the waves of the ocean, caress your body. Your mind is maya, and the illusion can only be transcended by the contemplation of mortgage ads.

Your credit score and your karma are entwined as copulating serpents. To free yourself from both, you will need to refinance your home with LMB and follow a life of ascetic severity. One follows the other, and it is your destiny to find out which comes first.

2007 - A Space Tragedy

2007-09-10T21:31:00.001-07:00

'Greetings from Narblok! My alter-gender associate and I have travelled through Sector Psi-Gamma of Space to deliver infinite knowledge and eternal serenity to your primitive earthling species. Our megalocephalic heads contain the combined wisdom of all the Universe, ready to be delivered to the most evolved specimens in your race.

Halt! Why are you pointing your tricorder-like device at us and capturing our likenesses? What strange purpose might you have to replicate our images on a million hyper-web portals and message-repositories? Why are your associates snickering at us?

Hu-man, we return to Narblok. We shall reappear when the cosmic phenomenon you call 'Mortgage Rates' are no longer falling. May your species suffer ten thousand more years of strife and debt for your impudence!'

The Sideward Spiral

2007-08-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

Not noticing too many LMB ads lately? Do you get the feeling that the empty void in your life left by LMB's missing ads is being usurped by classmate and credit-quote companies? Fear not, gentle reader, there is an explanation for these aberrations. Brad Stone writes again of the trials and tribulations of our beloved home refinancer.

Area 54

2007-07-22T20:48:00.000-07:00

These subterranean homesick aliens drive their blues away by shaking their moneymakers all night long at the dance floor famed for its debauchery all through the Milky Way. Only those on the A-list can get into this party (note: this includes pretty much any and all aliens).

If your wheels are anything less than a 14-valve plasma drive with 22-inch osmium rims, forget about crashing this venue. Situated in an unspecified UFO hangar somewhere in Roswell, this club's location is even more secret than its counterpart 'laboratory' close by. And if you have to ask where it is, you probably can't get in.

Rat-a-ptooee

2007-06-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

"So there I was, Janice, filing my TPS reports online on my dual screen workstation, when I heard this giggling behind me and then a scurrying noise. I turn around to find this huge rat crawling on my cube wall!!! I swear to God, Janice, it was right on top of my framed 'Employee of the month' certificate! And there was that four-eyed creep, Victor, taking pictures of me while I was screaming my lungs out.

... where's he now? Oh, he won't be bothering me for a while, what with the restraining order I took out on him and the extra serving of animal cruelty that landed him in jail. Say, you don't know any Flash developer who can make jerky animated ads looking for a job, do you?"

Shock and Uh

2007-05-20T09:36:00.000-07:00

This is the next step in the evolution of the LMB ads. From its humble beginnings of primary-color clip-art, LMB has taken a long and winding road to reach the movie-like real-life video you see now. It has been a weird and wondrous journey; and this ad ratchets 'weird' up to 11.

Strangely enough, the expression on the woman's face is quite like the expression most viewers get on seeing this ad for the first time. With the head in their hands, they try to grasp what the woman could be advertising with her horror-movie gape. Could it be the two star rating her mortgage has, conveniently displayed to the right?

Or could it be an Escherian twist, whereupon she sees the LMB ad of herself, and realizes what a horrible ad she is stuck in, and turns to the camera in despair, and the camera captures her reaction, and puts it in an ad, which she sees, and realizes what a horrible...

far out, man.

Marlboro Men

2007-04-22T21:24:00.000-07:00

No doubt this ad was hatched during the heyday of the Brokeback controversy. LMB needed to follow up the pelvic-thrusting roof dancers with something more shocking and more intriguing. What would a lonely cowboy do on the hills when he's bored watching sheep? What could be more natural than salsaing the night away?

Some keen observers on Internet message-boards have insinuated that the cowboy's moves are suspiciously similar to 'punching the porpoise', as the lingo goes. The only porpoise this cowboy would punch was if it appeared on an LMB ad.

Dilbertstar Runner

2007-04-09T20:59:00.000-07:00

StrongBad presents this LMB-like game that is actually fun.

Tapdancing into History

2007-03-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

This ad appeared around Presidents' Day. What better way to honor the great men who quite literally created the homeland than shining light on their little known vaudeville side-careers!

Do we not love them more when we are made aware of their sense of timing and footwork? Their pratfalls teach us that every time we fall, we must rise. Indeed, there are lessons to be learnt from these great men, on-stage and in the White House, not that there's a big difference between the two.

Lifestyles of the Lichen Farmers

2007-02-22T20:41:00.000-08:00

Tired of paying an ARM and a leg every month for your home? Ditch those old digs and find some new cribs! For a low monthly payment, you can now live the way the other half lives.

Go the green way by cutting down on electricity bills and unnecessary lighting. Carry torches that brighten wherever you carry them. Plumbing and potable water? Not a problem anymore; Just remember which way is downstream. Call your neighborhood LMB ogre and see if you qualify***!

***LMB fully abides by the Fair Housing Act, as long as you're a troll

Scamp to Tramp in Four Easy Steps

2007-01-28T15:22:00.000-08:00

It all started as a gag for Steve. 'If you like those ads from LMB so much, why don't you get a tattoo of one?', his friends would tease at the neighborhood biker bar. So Steve got a tattoo, one with a pig, a recurring star of LMB.

Realizing that he was only a woman trapped in a muscular guy's body, Steve began to roam the shady streets in purple mascara and candy-pink fingernails. The LMB tattoos began to appear at the same rate as his penchant for drag-queenery.

18 months and several injections later, Steve had completed his transformation; he was now Corinna. The lower back tattoo was the final affirmation of his sexy womanhood -- Steve/Corinna had finally come home, an LMB home.

Fame - The Article

2007-01-18T21:17:00.000-08:00

By Brad Stone, (of the non-porn variety), a piece in the NYTimes about LMB.

Harping Feat

2007-01-07T20:59:00.000-08:00

"Hello Gentlemen, how are you today? How was your new year? Chilly and blustery, I hope? There's nothing like holding a warm thermos of cocoa and freezing your toes off waiting for the ball to drop, is there? What's that you say? Wasn't freezing at all !?

How about Christmas, then? I love that time of the year, when friends and family meet over a warm fire in the hearth, and open up gifts while watching snow swirl outside your window, turning the world into a winter wonderland of white... what do you mean, it didn't snow this year !?

El Nino sure is being enfanto terriblo this year, ha ha. Well, then gentlemen, why don't you enjoy this picture of a lone penguin floating away to sea on a melting iceberg? Warms your cockles, eh? Doesn't warm it too much, I hope."

The Round Table Comes Around

2006-12-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

Revenge is a dish best served cold. The blood of King Arthur flows strong in his progeny. It is the time for the shameful taunting by the French, masterfully depicted in 'The Holy Grail', to be avenged sevenfold.

Armed with only his MC-Hammer pants and smooth break-dancing skills, Arthur's descendant of the modern era travels to France to fart in its general direction. (Followed by the throwing of ducks and cows at the Eiffel, not shown here.)

Bugbear

2006-12-10T18:52:00.000-08:00

Childhood memories and memorabilia have always been given an evil twist by the media to prey on our greatest fears - Chucky, Pennywise, to name a few. However, teddy bears have always remained sacrosanct and a taboo to pervert -- until now.

LMB takes a bold step and destroys the one remaining fond memory that hasn't been sullied by Hollywood. The maniacal teddy bear with bugged out blue eyes stares sinfully at our nether regions. Much like Alex from 'Clockwork Orange', its harmless smile belies the wicked thoughts that are hidden beneath.

Serenity and Fish Breath

2006-11-26T18:34:00.000-08:00

You take a stroll in the strange land of LMB ads. Surreal creatures and creations assail you from everywhere. Your senses are overwhelmed by the colors, shapes and the motions of these perversions. You yearn for some respite, mundaneness, normalcy.

Suddenly, you come across a zen pond. Amidst the sound and the fury, this is a haven of peace and tranquility. Koi fish swim in water that gently laps against smooth, round stones. You take a deep breath, and kneel to take a closer look at the fish. The Koi looks up at you and gives you a knowing grin -- the omniscience of LMB's tongue-in-cheekiness is again laid bare.

Don't Tread On ME (or any other state)

2006-11-04T15:14:00.000-08:00

Everything spells danger in this menacing entry into LMB's ad roster.

As the red eyes and fangs seems to indicate, this specimen is probably one of those rare vampire-snake hybrids, the ones that seem to be able to transform from a vampire to a bat and then immediately to a snake, causing confusion amongst paranormal zoologists everywhere. The rattles on the tail are modeled after the famous 'Towers of Hanoi' game, which seem to indicate that the origin of this lifeform could be the Orient.

The snake has swallowed 53 eggs, all of them providing just the mortgage rate you were looking for. The only way to get the right rate for your state is to extricate it through its maw with your bare hands.The ad says, 'Click your State', but do you really want to?

To Bee or to be SuperBee

2006-10-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

What drives ordinary mortals to feats of unnatural strength? Is it the fame, the glory, or a morbid desire to inundate half of the continental United States with water?

The buzz around this ad is that the bee featured is a supervillain. Lower mortgage rates mean more people buying more houses; more houses mean less flowers. Less flowers means less honey, and ergo, less bee.

When threatened with extinction, all living creatures, even giant insects that can lift a whole pitcher of water, will strike back with vengeance. Hasn't mankind learnt anything from Super Mothra documentaries?

Fumblers on the roof

2006-09-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

You've been wondering about this one, haven't you? It's like 'Alien Nation' or 'Dark City', where the world still seems pretty normal, but there is one little thing niggling in your subconscious you can't quite put your finger on. It seems to be everyplace you look and everywhere you turn.

Like a plague of wiggly black worms, this duo has taken over the internets. You see them gyrating all over the page, sometimes in front of a huge moon, sometimes on a roof, sometimes with nothing to frame their ghastly writhing.

A scientific survey of internet users(sample size: me and the guy next to me) brought forth the following top two questions:
a) Who is this couple, and why are they dancing so badly?
b) Why do most LMB women have dreadlocks?

Jurassic Pox

2006-09-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

Not flaming meteorites, not an ice age; this is what really killed the dinosaurs. Tired of being one-upped constantly by LMB, its rivals traveled back in time so that they could get a headstart on their ads. Unfortunately, to the detriment of dinosaurs everywhere, they traveled back a bit too far.

Weakened with a strange skin affliction called 'state-pox', the T-rex is in the final throes of death. It looks longingly at the sky, wishing a meteor would take it out painlessly. No meteor ever arrives. Thus ends the reign of the dinos -- not with a bang, but with a flash... a flash ad.

As Not Seen On TV

2006-08-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

The casual web surfer might skim over this as an internet ad for one of those dietary supplement infomercials you see on TV:

"Before Valpronex, I was 75 pounds overweight, ate deep fried chocolate cakes for breakfast and led a deeply resentful, unfulfilled life. But now, thanks to the literally gut-wrenching cocktail of chemicals present in Valpronex, I am 75 pounds lighter, have washboard abs, and dreadlocks to boot! Watch me as I sway gently in the breeze, nodding my head to the strains of Bahamen."

The casual web surfer can be forgiven for this oversight. After all, an internet ad is only as intrusive as an infomercial; you can safely ignore the drone of the Valpronex woman and tune back in when 'E! True Hollywood Story' returns after those messages.

Headbutt Harmony

2006-08-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

Domestic violence is no laughing matter. LMB performs a lot of voluntary activities, one of which is raising awareness of this heinous act. Sometimes, the violence is reversed, it is the female half of the relationship having a go at the male.

In this ad, a lady of indeterminate age headbutts her husband into submission. With a fierce grimace on her face, she breaks his nose with no mercy. The husband, stunned by the sudden application of 10 pounds of skull to his forehead, purses his lips and wonders if this is what 'giving good head' really meant.

Who knows the reason for the woman's violent outburst? The ad answers with a rhetorical question: 'Think you pay too much for your mortgage?' Hasn't this husband paid enough?

Wanna Banana?

2006-07-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

Even though I'm a staunch supporter of the LMB school of thought, I can admire some pieces of excellence from the rival creative schools. This one by Experian is deceptive in its simplicity.

Take a living being that is a sure comedic bet, add a thing that makes a hilarious prop, provide interplay between the being and the thing, and a hit is born. In this case, a choosy monkey seems to be in a fix in picking the right sized credit rating... err, banana. The sad thing is, a cartoon monkey seems to have a better credit rating than me.

Quacker Please

2006-06-18T21:11:00.000-07:00

Celebrity endorsements are hard to come by in the mortgage refinancing business. Getting a whole team to advertise your product can be pretty hard, so LMB just goes with one representative of the team.

But somewhere down the creative chain of command, the message was lost. The head honcho must've said, "Let's get the Mighty Ducks to endorse us". The Flashmakers took that too literally and ended up with a duck dressed up in hockey garb. And the duck can't even skate! With arms akimbo, the duck gingerly balances itself, ready to bite the ice at any moment.

Orc Love

2006-06-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

The job of an LMB ad collector is never done. Despite his diligence in constantly scouring the left, right and top banners of a thousand web-sites, some LMB ads still escape his roving eyes.

But providence and similar-minded people help the LMB ad hunter, as shown by this post. Alert LMB spotter Dave mailed this gem, one that would've been blasphemy to miss. Exemplifying what we've all come to admire about LMB, here's the ogre of love. A regular Don Juan, this green monster serenades the ladies with his power ballads of lower mortgage payments. Which thick-skinned level-60 orcess wouldn't swoon to his songs?

The Smile Enhancer

2006-05-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

The credit card business has changed for the worse. The days of 8.99% fixed APRs and infinitesimal finance charges have gone. Realizing too late that the masses do not understand the concept of 'credit', the pushers of plastic nirvana have tightened their pockets.

To educate the public about the new play rules, LMB decides to employ the smiley face and draw a comparison of purchasing power to a crack habit. When the credit score is poor, the smiley face is a grimace of withdrawal agony and anxiety; when the credit rating is excellent, the smiley face becomes bug-eyed in anticipation of the next hit. The intermediate stages of addiction are left as an exercise to the viewer.

The Pointy Phase

2006-05-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

There was a small period in LMB's creative span when the ad creators decided to go for the simple and direct approach. Much like Matisse's minimalist period bringing about brilliant canvases, LMB's short-lived experimental phase brought forth surrealism in unexpected milieus.

For example, consider the circa 2005 piece titled 'Darrow's Arrows'. In stark contrast to the ramrod-straight arrows with red bowties surrounding it, one arrow with a black bowtie wiggles and quivers its midsection. What a perfect way to illuminate Clarence Darrow's booty-shaking abilities in the midst of boring puritans!

Following the critical success of 'Darrow's Arrows', LMB tried to recapture the magic of minimalism with 'Yellow Pointer to Select Box'. Sadly, this one did not go over well with the artelligentsia.

Hotdog to Superdog

2006-04-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

This ad gives a rare glimpse into the creative process behind making an LMB ad. Without further ado, here are the steps involved in making a perfect one:

1) Pick an animal, vehicle or any other object, one that can be shown in profile.

2) Elongate the midsection of this animal, vehicle or object to an 'appropriate' length - 'appropriate' here being defined as being able to hold all the states in the US.

3) Spice it up by making the animal, vehicle or object do things are vaguely animalistic, vehicular or objectivistic. For example, dogs can be made to bark or loll their tongues; cars can be made to rotate their tires or spew smoke; objects can be made to quote Ayn Rand when asked to take out the trash.

4) Post it on a million sites.

5) ??????????

6) Profit!

***Update***: An alert reader has pointed out that this is not an LMB ad, but one from LowRateSource. The ad styles were so similar, I assumed this was one from LMB. Will LRS follow NexTag's footsteps? The other usual suspects, (a.k.a. the state buttons) are missing, so maybe not.
Fie on you, LRS, for shamelessly imitating LMB's MO, down to the 6-foot long dog.

Sunny Side Up

2006-04-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

I wish I had something snarky to say about this one. It's just a sun, embedded with yellow-hot globes arranged in a curious spoke-like fashion. An experienced sci-fi writer might've spun a tale of the people of Sol-52; they who lived inside a sun; they whose brains were fried enough to create non-sequitur flash ads and somehow sell them to earthmen, but I am no such writer. I shall refrain from such a tale, instead preserving this ad in Internet posterity.

The Magical Mucus Lion

2006-03-26T15:52:00.000-08:00

Continuing with the despicable agenda of defiling the noble and the innocent of the world, LMB picks the king of the forest as its next victim. The lion sits and moves his head lethargically, hypnotized by the mouse pointer.

On his rump is the 'Bad Credit OK' message, as if to indicate that's where bad creditors deserve to be. He also sneezes majestically, spewing forth not boogal matter, but pristine white letters that spell the word 'Refinance'. P.T. Barnum has nothing on LMB, who seem to have struck paydirt with this mythical beast.

googlead99563f20836b92

2006-03-01T21:51:00.000-08:00

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Baby stay out

2006-03-01T20:37:00.000-08:00

Probably a first in LMB history, a real-live human was involved in the making of this ad. To add insult to injury, the human was a baby, a defenseless gurgling infant who could not voice her outrage at being used in this fashion.

The innocent baby looks around and follows the red floating letters. The days of rattle-toys and Fisher-Price baubles are over. This is the new Internet age - all she gets to play with are dancing word-art fonts.

Pretty pups all in a row

2006-02-11T09:38:00.000-08:00

Every little boy wants a puppy of his own. He would've played fetch with it, taken it to the park and let it run free, held a bone at arm's height and seen the puppy bob for it. The creator of this LMB ad had none of those pleasures, because he didn't have a puppy when he was younger.

In an act of overcompensation, the creator decided to have several animated puppies at his disposal. Instead of a bone, you waved your mouse over them, and they would jump and do a full 360 in the air. If you were computer savvy, you could even make your cursor look like a bone. How many minutes of fun I had with this one! The puppies would rise and fall and rotate with simple back and forth swipes of the mouse.

Thank you, LMB AD Creator, thank you. I feel your pain, because I too did not have a puppy when I was a wee lad.

Reign of Fire

2006-01-23T20:44:00.000-08:00

Despite the apparent source of bright light, I couldn't make out what sort of abomination was being depicted by LMB in this ad. With the aid of brightening technology such as the GIMP and a good pair of magnifying glasses, I was able to deduce that the picture didn't show two snails humping, but was in fact a dragon sitting atop a volcano.

Common legend suggests that dragons sit on gold and riches, but LMB has debunked this by showing dimly lit evidence of them warming their bellies over hot lava. There is a far-off look on the dragon, as if it is pondering the ramifications of what would happen when the volcano erupts in a shower of red-hot pdrcentages, 4%, 5%, maybe even a 6%.

Retro Cocktail Hour

2006-01-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

There used to be simpler times at LMB; times when otherwise normal creatures became abnormally distended, as though they had been genetically spliced with an anaconda and learned to swallow rectangular prey whole. This ad is a throwback to those simpler times.

Even esoteric animals like anteaters were not exempt from LMB's experiments. The anteater, mistaking an ant farm for the real thing, must have swallowed it whole. The ravenous insect-licker is not sated; it looks for more of those delicious formic fiestas at a nearby anthill, conveniently titled 'Bad Credit OK'.

Birdie Vs. One-in-hole

2006-01-03T17:24:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's just my mind refusing to crawl up from the gutter, but tell me those worms don't look like erect wee-wees. Adding more color to the scene, a bird walks across the field of franks and systematically nips at each one. The peckers become the peckees and a vicious cycle of cock-gobbling is created.

The Holiday Spirit

2005-12-22T07:59:00.000-08:00

A savage revision of a well-worn holiday tradition; A sardonic look at what Christmas really means; A VH1 episode of 'Where are they now?'. However you might call this, it is Pure Genius.

The Grinch becomes a rastafarian and undergoes a heart-enlargement operation, primarily through the repeated application of medical marijuana. "Love and peace, mon."

The Ipod ad re-imagined

2005-12-17T07:22:00.000-08:00

LMB decides to cash in on the latest fad in commercials - hipsters in weird hairstyles flailing their limbs spastically in silhouette.

The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. Due to a scarcity of suitably trained art-school dreadlocked potheads, LMB had to go with what was available - a girl stumbling across the screen after too many jagermeisters. Closer inspection reveals a cigarette-like object in her mouth. Maybe this is LMB's own PSA: to portray the harmful effects of drinking and smoking with their banner ad.

It had to happen.

2005-12-15T21:05:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been getting a lot of hits from... that's right, LOWERMYBILLS.COM.

Guys, if you're reading this, please know that I kid because I love.

Cowmeo

2005-12-05T10:32:00.000-08:00

Here's one by Ameriquest; They decided to go with the 'animal' motif and looked hard to find one that wasn't already done by LMB. The cow! Ameriquests's ad makers rubbed their hands in glee. How could LMB have forgotten one of the most hilarious creatures of the animal kingdom!?

Thus the brandname bovine was created, which not only speaks, but speaks in color. The cow seems as surprised as us that it can vocalize its strong sentiments towards the current mortgage market. As an afterthought, the creators also have a house glowing in yellow in the background.

LowerMyBillsWatch is proud to present these aspiring losers, who despite their valiant attempts, fall much short of what LMB achieves.

Loan Shark

2005-11-27T10:37:00.000-08:00

There are several problems with outsourcing your work. Missing out on the nuances of language is one of them. Nobody must've explained to the poor Flash novice in India about the 'loan shark'.

Emboldened by the amount of creative control given to him by his American overlords ("Just put whatever animal/bird/fish you want in the ad, son!"), Sanjay decides on the awesomest of all sea creatures to represent LMB -- the shark. We see the ironic result of his brainstorm: little goldfish states swallowed up by the killer that is LMB.

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head...

2005-11-14T21:36:00.000-08:00

The uneasy silence that lingered in LMB's corridors following the creation of an almost sensible ad had to be broken. LMB's ad developers screwed their thinking electrodes back on and came up with this zinger. No more could they be accused of slacking off on their jobs. This one has all the trademarks of LMB: The dubious humor value, the abuse of colors and a surprised looking animal.

In a scene vaguely remniscient of North by Northwest, a fleeing bird is bombarded with huge drops of rain. If only they had made this more interactive, by making the bird move along with the cursor so you had to escape the drops... nay, that's just wishful thinking. LMB's designers strive to lower the bar on banner ads, not raise them.

A whiff of sanity

2005-11-08T21:23:00.000-08:00

This is about as normal as an LMB ad could get.

What are they selling? Mortgages. Is that fact mentioned prominently on the ad? Check. What are they selling mortgages for? Homes. Behold, a house looms majestically in a corner. Are they selling mortgages on homes for good rates in all states? Yes again. A list of the 51 states is presented, lest we forget.

If all LMB ads were as boring as this, this blog wouldn't exist, would it?

The physics of LMB

2005-11-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

Reminding us of sunnier times, the coconut tree gently sways in the breeze. Never mind the ugly red bricks covering its stem. Suddenly, a brisk gust whips the tree. The coconuts - two 7%'s, one 4% and one 5% - drop to the ground; mortgages are falling!

A few moments after this, defying all known laws of gravity, the coconuts magically float back up and re-attach themselves to the tree. The cycle begins again, and the tree tries in vain to get rid of the coconuts that are a bit too fond of their origin.

Babycalypse Now Redux

2005-10-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

The boys from Brazil are back, with 100% more animation. Even though a whimsical smile seems to play on their lips now, it is a portent of the horrible grimace of death that will later loom over them.

Michigan seems to have a headstart. Do not imagine for a moment that Michigan is jumping up and down in happiness in its being brought into this world. Quite contrarily, the cute, pumping fists of the 6-month old are not manifestations of infantile glee, but the death throes of an infant with SIDS, or the blue baby syndrome.

Once again, LMB points its pudgy fingers and laughs at Man's ability to survive high mortgage rates.

The Doody Clones

2005-09-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

Next up, the Synchronized Infant Swaying event! Watch the spectacle of babies (including some unfortunate ones joined at the head) swing to and fro. These babies are each outfitted with diapers and each pamper proudly holds poopy from the named state. Watch it, New Jersey's got twice the load!

Monkey Shines

2005-09-18T18:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, an LMB ad comes along that gives you nightmares because it speaks the truth too well. This one is one of them.

Are monkeys good or evil? We may never know, but this LMB ad deigns to answer the question. The sedate banana-eating monkey transforms into a shrieking, red-bodied monster that tears its own hair with a simple mouseover.

Best LMB Ad. Ever.

2005-09-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

Admit it. This is what you were looking for when you searched for LowerMyBills ads and ended up here. This is their finest and there is no way this ad can be bested.

Only the most twisted mind in ad-biz could have thought up the idea of a cookie man killing himself slowly by repeatedly dipping in a test-tube of milk. This is right up there in the hall of fame of horrors, next to shipwrecked people gnawing their arms off and spiders crawling out of your mouth.

Completing the bird trifecta

2005-08-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

LMB doesn't stop with flamingos when using birds for its ads. It defiles all types of waterfowl, real and imaginary. Above, we see two other bird-related ads.

The first is a pelican, which also moonlights as a flasher. The second is a mythical bird, that lives only in the ad-maker's imagination. Even the bird seems perplexed that not one, but three of its ilk exist, solely to advertise percentages on their chests.

Gimme an L, Gimme an M, Gimme a break

2005-08-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

LMB seems to have located the most anorexic crack-whores available in America for its cheerleading team. The over-sized eyes and the pleading expressions cry out in unison, "Will you give us a hit if we wave these pom-poms?"

Pink Flamingo

2005-08-04T11:29:00.000-07:00

The sadness in the flamingo's eyes are heart-breaking. Its lovely coat of flaming pink feathers is marred by the appearance of Kentucky, which is yellow for some reason. Dismayed by the imperfection, the flamingo can only hope that salvation can come in the form of a lower mortgage.

The It Factor

2005-07-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm Biffy, the Punch-You Clown! You might be confused by my bowling pin shape and think I'm the sort of clown that bobs back when you punch my nose. But you're terribly mistaken! I'm the kind that punches YOU in your nose! And then I steal your wallet.

Are you wondering what I have in my right hand behind my back? Well, that's my special clown surprise. Don't be alarmed when you wake up later with wood splinters in your face!

LMB goes bananas

2005-06-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

A companion piece to the corn , the banana peels itself when you mouseover the states. What's revealed, however, is not a healthy banana, but a sickly, greyish core quite unlike any other.

The Mystery Figure

2005-06-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

One more from the What-Were-They-Smoking Department. A silhouette of a female, with a torso of a 25 year-old woman and the legs of a 12 year-old girl. The extremely prominent chin suggests a cross-dressing man, which makes it even more bizarre.

Trumping it all is the strange position the arms are in. They seem to be groping for something, as a blind person would. Or maybe it's a zombie, clawing for any available braiiiinnns.

Could it be a deformed, cross-dressing, blind she-zombie? I don't know, and I don't want to know.

A Bad Sign

2005-06-01T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well, at least it's not a long cat.

Although one might be put off the sinister connotations of a black cat, one can rest assured in the fact that such fat cats do exist and are fondly embraced by blond girls everywhere.

Burn Your Savings - Today

2005-05-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

This one was so awesome I knew I had to post it the second I saw it.

The toaster represents LMB, see, and your state represents a slice of bread, see. You point your mouse over your state and it's burnt to a crisp in an excellent puff of smoke. The LMB designers want you to know that your money is toast(quite literally) when you hand it to them.

Waiiiittt, that doesn't seem right...

High Art or Low Brow?

2005-05-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorites. Sheep in a chorus line, with their naughty bits censored by purple blobs. Some LMB aficionados think otherwise, and claim that these might not be sundry chorus dancers, but elite sheep ballerinas in purple tutus. Whoever they might be, LMB hit the surrealistic jackpot with this one.

Psychedelic Peacocks

2005-05-06T09:59:00.001-07:00

A double dose of birds advertising LMB. For those of you not aware of the peacock, it looks nothing like these.

A peacock is said to fan out its tail and dance when the monsoons arrive. Or when it wants to hump a peahen. Whatever. This peacock and peahen, however, spread their tails for a bit of LMB-lovin'.

This is where I avoid the obvious 'corny' pun

2005-04-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

The guys at LMB take a break from depicting fauna and attack flora in this one. Maybe the designer was eating corn off the cob and thought, "Hey, this would make a great idea for a random LMB ad!". Or maybe he was tired of elongating animals all the time, he figured fitting all the states on a corn would be much simpler.

The designer makes full use of Flash in this ad, and makes corn fly off in a swirl when you mouseover. You see, it's not normal corn that pops; it's quantum corn.

Mortgage, Maaan

2005-04-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

Presenting a welcome change from the 'elongated animal' category. This parakeet from the tropics seems to be entirely dressed with deflated balloons instead of feathers. Aware of her somewhat lacking attire, Polly turns her head and looks back in shame, and beseeches us to please Click Our State.

But Wait! That's not all. Hidden on her tail amidst her latex plumage is a message -- 'Bad Credit OK'. Also hidden, another subliminal message to a Bad Creditor: 'We regularly wipe our bird doo-doo with feathers like you'

Before you die, you see the deer

2005-04-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I saw the sequel to 'The Ring'. The follow-up to the scariest movie of the last 5 years was a laugh-a-thon, with horror cliches that screamed 'sequelitis'.

You could tell the movie was a total dud by the fact that the scariest scene in the movie involved deer and roadkill. The eyes of the haunted deer in the movie closely resemble those of the one seen here.

Maybe they are long-lost brothers; the really scary one moving to hollywood to score juicy film roles, while the dumb but handsome one stayed back and started on a modeling career -- which has been on a downward spiral ever since.

Porks. The ones you love.

2005-03-30T15:02:00.000-08:00

Presenting a double bill featuring 'Babe' and 'Bubba' - the caucasian and black pig mascots of LMB, respectively.

A result of diversity initiatives within LMB, these pigs point their snouts at different target groups - the pink one snorts at the typical indigent WASP net user, while the black one is aimed at third-worlders who fondly remember the disgusting animals that roamed the garbage dumps of their homelands.

The animated Flash even has a black fly buzzing around the noses of these creatures. For that alone, I give these two ads extra points for creativity.

Beware the HypnoDog

2005-03-21T20:49:00.000-08:00

Pictured above, a dog that either ate a really long weiner or a weiner-dog that must win first place at the Westminster Dog Show each time.

In its animated form, the dog's glittering eyes pulsate, mesmerizing you into doing silly things, like acting like you're taking a shower, or actually clicking on the ad. In this static screen capture however, we see the dog's soul in its true nature - the soul-less black eyes beckoning a netizen into the dark, gaping void of mortgage-refinancing.

Diamonds are a spammer's best friend

2005-03-11T08:52:00.000-08:00

Let's start with an innocuous one... the diamond that sometimes appears when you sign-off from Yahoo.

What does a huge, red diamond have to do with mortgages and bills? If you had bad credit, would you be desperate enough to click on a diamond? Also note: The states are arranged in simple alphabetical order, showing no creativity or spontaneity in the ad's creation.

LowerMyBills (henceforth abbreviated LMB) probably used a bored teenager who had a Macromedia license to crank this one out.